Our Story

We created a life... her name… Ashaya. She would have been our extension of Everything!

April 30th, 2020, my routine 37 week appointment.

Our doctor couldn’t find her heartbeat.... and still thinking about that one single moment, how it’s changed everything ... just crushes me.

We do not have a conclusive diagnosis for what happened nor will we ever know.

I’ve spent so much time trying to process this, trying to find answers, constantly questioning, days of confusion - just simply not being able to fathom the reality sometimes.

As anyone can imagine, 2020 in itself being the most drastic for all of humanity to endure in this lifetime, brought with it more trauma for me & less closure. I had a Caesarean section, I was a complete mess and obviously wasn’t given many choices when it came to my medical care. I just had to go with whatever the medical staff said. I’m pausing as I write this… it is still the hardest most cruel part I had to go through. I was not allowed to touch my baby. They brought her up to my ward after I woke up bare, naked, lying there as if just picked and place with no emotion or care at all. I’m left with this memory of her… and I can’t get it out of my head no matter how hard I try.

No blanket…. Couldn’t they have at least wrapped her up??

COVID - that’s the reason I couldn’t hold my baby, no even for a last time. Not even to look at her…take a moment to take that beautiful face in. This was ripped away, as if the pain of not being able to take her home was not enough.

5 minutes … or less… that’s all I had.

We did have a funeral for her… but it was and will never be enough. I got to stare at my beautiful baby girl for what felt like time had stopped and was flying all at once.

Goodbye will always be the hardest part of anyone’s journey… thou it must always be said, it is never easy nor is it ever acceptable for a parent to say to their child.

I’m still healing (as I unfortunately can see - it will take the rest of my life) I’m trying my best to cope… everyday.

I’m so blessed that I have a 7 year old (almost 8) daughter who has been so amazing during this time. She has been such a pillar of strength that has made sure I haven’t gone completely mad! I thought I would need to be there for her, turns out she’s been more there for me. My husband, my bestest friend and absolute North... has been nothing short of amazing. We share our pain everyday and he has been by my side in every way he can. Picking me up and making damn sure I stay there! My mom is sharing this pain as if it were her own and our Family and Friends have ensured we are not alone in this.

Although nothing is going to change this… all our hopes, dreams, plans and moments that we pictured happening, it’s all just ... gone

My biggest dream of my little girl becoming a big sister is gone forever... but I hope and believe that our silver lining emerges from this... maybe, some day.

I’m trying to find my positive energy from all this.. or maybe it will find me in time.

I’ve seen a psychologist - personally which has not helped but only allowed me to grieve to a stranger. My turning point was Nadeema Kahan (a Life Coach that was destined to come into my life)…. She has not only been a huge role in the drastic changes I’ve made, but showed me that there are ways in which l can try and heal & better myself through this.

I’ve had to make many drastic changes in life… but I believe that my baby girl is with me every step of this new journey… without her at my side or in my arms, but always in my heart.

Mom, dad & your sister miss you Marshmallow❤️‍🩹